I spent the majority of my day downstairs, playing my guitar.
This hasn’t happened in nearly a year.
Sure, I may not have been able to come up with anything of my own. But still, somehow, feeling the cold steel strings turn warm beneath my fingers, hearing them come to life – it felt like coming home.
I’ve had the lyrics to the song “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks on my mind lately, so I decided to work on learning that one today. I generally dislike people who are just emo enough to use song lyrics as every status update, finding deep, life relate-able meaning behind every MTV hit. But I will risk you thinking I own only skinny jeans and converse shoes and say that today, these lyrics fit my heart.
“I’ve been afraid of changing, ’cause I’ve built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I’m getting older too.”
I’ve been feeling time creep up on me lately, wondering at the way that I feel so much older in my heart than I thought I would at 23. Change has always been something threatening enough to make me despise it as I felt it lurking around, and the thought of starting over without such a huge part of myself was heartbreaking. But – time has made me bolder. And finally, finally, I feel a measure of peace.
Ok, cliche lyric quoting feely-feelings part over.
I went to town for speedy internet tonight, which was the first time I’d been out since the snow came back through town. Having never driven on icy roads, I was ramrod straight in my seat as my lights illuminated the black ice on the dark windy streets. The snow on the side of the roads became deeper the closer I came to town, and I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot. I tugged my coat tighter around me in the 20 degree weather as I went into the building, and spent a wonderful hour deep in a cup of Brown Sugar Cinnamon coffee. I only left when they closed, and paused a minute outside in the cold night air to stand beneath the twinkling Christmas lights, listening to the church bells echoing beautifully in the distance. A shuffling sound near me in the dark startled me, and I had an instinctive California bred thought of, “how fast can I turn my key into a weapon?” My heart slowed as I realized it was only a white bearded, stooped old man, out salting the sidewalk for people like me out on this cold Winter’s night. He saw me watching him, and smiled a beautiful, gap toothed smile at me.
I’m not really sure why I’m writing again tonight. I went back and read last years New Years entry, and I was instantly back in that place during that time, seeing the sights and hearing the sounds of 12 months ago. I was fearing the future, sad to let go of the present, still unable to release the past. And when I finished, I reassessed myself – happy to find that I was still in one piece a year later, and that though things have been given, and much has been taken away – more layers have only been added to this crazy story.
It’s 2am and 18 degrees right now. I’m thinking I should begin to think about thinking of bed. Last nights attempt was unsuccessful until the wee hours of the morning, so I figured I’d be productive with those same hours tonight.
I cleaned out my inbox, and read old conversations from years past. Many made me laugh, and I’ll admit my feminine ridiculousness enough to say that some made me cry. Most I skipped altogether, in an attempt to keep my heart focused on my new reality. But now, hours later, I find my heart full, and my head finally ready for sleep.
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