In the beautiful chaos of our wedding that is just 3 weeks away, my health is still a constant battle that I lose on days like today.
It’s so easy to use social media to post about the happy. The funny. And truly, this is what I like to use it for. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Seriously.
However, today I’m just posting the truth of a quiet grief that stems from a body that just won’t work right.
How many of you out there are here with me today? I know I am not alone.
On bad days like these, I can’t help but think of the woman in the bible who dealt with the issue of blood for 12 years, who reached out for Jesus’ cloak as He passed because she had so much faith.
That faith healed her.
I’ll admit, in the past a poisonous weed has crept into my mind on a rare occasion: “So many people have prayed over me. Am I not healed because I don’t have enough faith?”
This fear grew a few months ago. A total stranger approached me and said she had had visions of me, driving around town in my little red car. She said God told her my name, that I had suffered with a sickness for many years, and that He said to pass the message on to me that, “today, you will be fully healed.”
At first, I was incredibly uncomfortable.
Then I was suspicious.
Then I was angry at her. Angry that she dangled that hope in front of my family who had fought beside me for so many years.
Then I felt guilty. I wondered if it was my fault for lacking faith, and I asked myself, “Why do you doubt that things like this could still happen?”
A tiny hope blossomed.
Throughout the day, I kept a cautious watch over my body like a sailor watches for signs of a coming storm. Like a man lost at sea hopefully watches for a glimpse of the shore.
Towards nightfall, it hit me. The familiar entity spreading throughout my body, the nervous system attacking in slow, dark flames.
Back like clockwork.
She found me again a few days later, hugging me before speaking, congratulating me on my healing.
My honesty came out in softened darts, oddly polite as I asked her to be careful with how she approached people in the future. Telling her nothing within my body had changed.
Her eyes narrowed as she told me I would most likely need an xray to prove my healing.
My frustration grew.
Finally, she told me flatly, “if you truly weren’t healed, it was because you just didn’t have the faith.”
At first, her words hurt like a bullet. Then my soul stirred.
In that moment, I realized what I believed, and I realized I believed it with my whole heart.
In the deepest spaces within my soul, I don’t believe my faith was responsible for my lack of healing. While there’s always hope that I could one day be well, I think I would be missing out on the life I have if I’m always searching, hoping, asking, waiting for something better to come along. I’m still functioning, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. I drive a car. I hold down a job. I have a home of my own. I have friends. I’m getting married. And though some days are just an aching blur, I’m still luckier than so many, and I am so blessed with the life that I have – right now. This one. This life. Crappy degenerative nerve condition, immune deficiency and all.
I do not believe my level of faith is the cause of my pain. Truly, the faster I accept the things about me that I can’t change, the faster I can move forward with my life, towards the potential God has in store for me as the person that I am, and find ways to use these challenges in a positive way to encourage others – and myself in the process. If I am constantly waiting for a better version of myself (physically) to come along, how can I ever love who I am?
I never saw her again.
After this happened, I thought long and hard. How did she know the things that she knew about me? I believe that God can choose anyone at anytime and give them special insights and words, no matter the year – even though my first reaction was disbelief. However, the bible warns of false prophets.
When someone is claiming to speak for God, be very careful.
So I ask you, reader. Is your body holding you captive in some way? Have you made any kind of peace with it? Can you? Is your life on hold as you wait to be better, or can you learn to love the you that you are?
Yes, my jealous heart thinks often of the woman in the bible whose faith made her well. Who knows, maybe one day it will be me. I won’t put my life on hold as I wait, I’d be missing a heck of a ride if I did. Instead, each day I’ll try to make peace with it again, ask God for strength on this particular road, and see where it can lead.
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